


Audaces fortuna iuvat

by always_left_never_right



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: Acceptance, College AU, F/F, Gay Panic, I think this is fluff, Lesbian, just flirting pretty much, mutual yearning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:42:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24530257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/always_left_never_right/pseuds/always_left_never_right
Summary: Ellie and Aster are roommates in Grinnell.
Relationships: Ellie Chu/Aster Flores
Comments: 47
Kudos: 221





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time here and I don't even know if what I'm doing is right/allowable.  
> First time writing so apologies for any errors. English not primary language used.  
> Confusing POVs. I was confused too myself.
> 
> I just couldn't take my mind off of the movie. So I wanted to explore alternate scenarios to my liking.

~~

A few days prior her trip to Grinnell, Ellie Chu found herself stuffing her bags with way more books than clothes. “Dude, you can’t wear books y’know.” Paul said as a matter of factly. She stopped for a second, looked at her best friend thoughtfully and glanced down at her mini library luggage. “Thanks for clarifying that Paul,” Ellie retorted sarcastically.

She had mixed feelings actually. Badly wanting to leave Squahamish behind and be able to explore the world beyond it. But knowing she’d have to leave her father behind all alone, the mere thought of it, made her feel miserable.

Paul, having a knack for saying the right words at the right time, seemed to sense Ellie’s anxiety, gave her a bear hug. “Don’t you worry about your dad. It’s not that hard to keep him busy yeah? A-and before you know it, we’ll be taco sausage buddies!” he said gleefully. Ellie just smiles and shakes her head.

_I’m gonna miss this big goof._

The train ride to Grinnell was longer than she had anticipated, but she wasn’t bothered _that_ much. She had a mini effin’ library in tow. That’s why. Books were her lifeline. Not to mention the snacks her father had provided for her during the entire journey.

After almost half a day of travel, she arrived. Wasting no time whatsoever, heavy bags in tow, Ellie slowly trudged towards the dormitory building.

She felt herself breath a sign of relief once she got inside her dorm room. It was pretty much basic, but definitely more spacious than her room back home. She did a quick tour before finally getting settled in.

Having to share a room with a complete stranger, though, didn’t exactly sit well with her. She had only hoped her roommate would be tolerable enough to live with for the next couple of years.

Just a day after settling in and chilling in her bed, nose buried in a book, Ellie decided to wander around campus. Trying to familiarize herself with the buildings, shortest routes to and fro the dorm, and noted down the least crowded areas where she could peacefully read a book or two.

After spending almost the entire morning walking around, Ellie decided to have brunch before heading back. Passing a bunch of guys playing catch, deep in thought, she failed to hear someone shouting.

_Thud!_

The force was enough to send her toppling to the ground. “Seriously?” she muttered annoyingly. Instead of helping her, one guy gingerly took the ball mumbled ‘ _Sorry’_ and ran off.

 _‘Here_.’ A hand came out of nowhere and offered to help her up. She looked up and saw a smiling goddess.

That hit in the head was harder than I thought, Ellie mused.

_Well hello perfection._

She gawked rather unabashedly at the girl. This cannot be a real person. Perfect does not exist. She is way beyond that.

Long wavy chocolate brown hair. Twinkling brown eyes one can easily drown in. Flawlessly sculpted nose. Pristine teeth. Gorgeous set of lips. And _that_ smile.

Ellie gently took the girl’s hand and slowly stood up. Already feeling her face flushed, she uttered the first words that came to mind, “I’m Ellie Chu.”

~~

Since they left Sacramento, Deacon Flores has been telling Aster time and again of how she wasted her life away by not marrying Trig. How she should reconsider things and get back together with him. How Trig was all this and that.

How she should have just chosen a school much nearer. How college would only be a waste of money and time. How pursuing her dream of going to art school won’t take her anywhere. How everything seemed to be _not according to God’s plans._

This will soon be over. Hang in there Aster Flores. She thought to herself while looking out the car window.

She knew the incessant reminders and the litanies from her father would be over in an hour, so Aster absent-mindedly hums in agreement.

Her mother looks back at her and Aster gave a tight-lipped smile, knowing she would surely miss her mom’s calming presence.

Sensing her daughter’s uneasy thoughts, she gently squeezed Aster’s hand and gave her a reassuring smile.

The long ride to freedom was not all _that_ bad. It was quietly nerve-racking to say the least.

It was before lunchtime when they arrived at the university, and after a few hesitant goodbyes, lingering hugs and constant reminders, Aster’s parents drove away.

 _Hello Grinnell_.

Aster beamed as she set foot inside the campus. No matter how much she tried hiding what she was feeling during the entire car ride, she just knew. Victory. Freedom.

_Holy shit._

I’m free, she thought to herself. She celebrated by doing a mental fist in the air.

Eager to spend the rest of the day wandering about, she headed towards the school dorm to drop her things off. Always one to turn heads and elicit looks of approval, she’s used to all the attention being given to her. However, a guy got too distracted as Aster walked by, he failed to catch the ball thrown to him. Unfortunately hitting some girl walking by and sent her sprawling to the ground.

Feeling sorry that the guy didn’t even help her up, she approached the girl and offered her hand. “Here,” she said smiling.

The girl looked up and had this unmistakable incredulous expression on her face. Like a bespectacled mouse suddenly came face to face with a giant slab of cheese. It was strange, though, but cute, Aster thought.

Seemingly amused with how the Asian girl was reacting, she barely noticed the callused hand that held Aster’s with such tenderness.

 _I’m Ellie Chu._ The girl said before scurrying off.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bonding and 'discreet' brushing of hands and flirting and a lot of monologues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more fluff coming your way..  
> been busy doing stuff so apologies for the delay..  
> and for the errors below and yeah
> 
> *slowly backing away*

~~

Aster found her room minutes later, and immediately arranged her things, in a _chaotic order_ as she would say. Tired after ‘fixing’ her room, she sat on the couch and settled in. Aster contemplated on finishing a book she was reading, but then decides to take a shower first before heading out to explore the campus.

Aster took her sweet time in the bathroom. Occasionally smiling when she recalls her encounter earlier with Ellie Chu, and barely hears someone enter the door as she was singing.

 _It must be my roommate,_ she eagerly thought. She finished up as quickly as she could. She had wanted to make a good impression on the other girl since they will be literally living together.

As soon as Ellie entered the door, she noticed unfamiliar things scattered about in the other room and singing in the shower. _Oh she’s here,_ she mumbled. Before retreating to her bedroom, her eyes rested upon a stack of books by the table in the other girl’s room. A title caught her eye. _Remains of the Day._

 _If she’s into books, I’m sure we’ll get along just fine,_ Ellie thought to herself before plopping down face first into the bed.

She’s been thinking about the girl earlier. _The_ goddess. How she panicked and left in a hurry without even knowing her name. Without even thanking her. Smooth. _Yup Ellie_ , real smooth.

Her thoughts were disrupted when she heard her roommate step out of the shower. She rarely found the need for socializing but, in this case, she had to at least know who she was going to live with for years.

Aster grabbed a towel, not even bothering to put on some clothes, went to the other room. The girl had just gotten up from bed and had her back towards her.

“Hi, I’m Aster,” she said smiling, even before the girl had the chance to turn around and face her. “Aster Flores.”

Ellie turned around, and upon seeing her roommate barely covered, stumbled back and clumsily sat herself on the bed.

_Holy shiiiiiiiiii.._

_For the love of God!_

“Oh, h-hi! Uhm.. I’m Ellie Chu!” she said, slightly out of breath.

A coy smile formed on Aster's lips. “Yes, I know..”

It was _the_ girl from earlier. _The_ goddess. And Ellie was panicking unlike anything. She never dared to look at Aster. Towel draped over her body rather carelessly. Droplets of water slowly running down her neck to.. It was too much to take in. She’d look down. She looked everywhere else except in Aster’s direction.

_Don’t look. Don’t look._

Realizing she was making Ellie feel uncomfortable with how 'naked' she was, she glanced at herself and laughed softly. “Sorry. I’ll just go put on some clothes.”

_That laugh. Wow._

_Can’t this girl do anything wrong?_

Ellie, mentally did a face-palm, tried to composed herself, stood up and walked towards Aster’s room and stopped short before reaching the door. “H-hey.. I-i just wanted to say thank you for helping me earlier.. y'know.. ball..hit..” she trailed off. Not even sure if Aster heard her mumbling.

“You are most welcome Ellie Chu,” Aster smiled warmly as she slowly approached Ellie.

“Are you really ok though?” she asked thoughtfully, her gaze fixed intently on her roommate.

“Y-yeah I guess I am,” Ellie answered back shyly, barely making eye contact.

Aster sat down cross-legged on the couch and patted on the space next to her, motioned Ellie to sit.

Silence.

“So..uhm..” Aster started hesitatingly, wanting to break the awkward quiet, her fingers drummed on her lap.

Ellie was staring at the floor the entire time. Conversations with another person was not exactly high up in her priority list. Also, it didn’t help that she’s in close proximity with a highly attractive girl.

But then she glanced at Aster, seemingly waiting for her next words. She wanted to know Aster’s thoughts. She wanted to know more about her.

“It’s feels nice, you know.. finally getting the chance to explore.. taste of independence and..” she trailed off.

“..being your own responsibility.” Ellie quietly added while looking down, failing to see the other girl smile.

Aster then started telling Ellie how hard she tried to convince her parents to let her study at Grinnell and how it was all worth it. She felt more comfortable when she saw how Ellie’s demeanor relaxed and even gestured her to keep going.

She found herself talking animatedly about Sacramento, her friends, family, her ex Trig, religion, God, art, books, music, movies, college and practically everything.

She noticed Ellie tilting her head, sometimes brows furrowed, seemingly intent on hearing everything she has to say and absorbing it.

Aster scolded herself, on several instances, for sharing way too much information to a girl she barely knew and on the first day they meet. But Ellie is really easy to talk to, she thought. She felt no judgement coming from her. It felt as if they already knew each other before they even met. She finally found someone who gets _her._

On the very few occasions, Ellie would politely cut in and share her views when it came to some things which sparked her interest, or when Aster asked for her opinion.

Not much of a talker, Ellie cautiously began to open up to Aster. How life was in Squahamish, leaving her dad alone, her best friend Paul, being an atheist, dealing with being the only Asian in school, bullies, paper-writing business, taco sausage, movies and books. She had never been this comfortable talking to another person. Paul, however, was a different case altogether. She was just grateful that Aster was patient enough in encouraging her to open up.

They’ve been practically talking for hours now. Laughing. Bantering. Movie reviews. Discussion of books. The boldest stokes in paintings. Just about anything and everything.

“If you want to read some of the books I brought, just get it from my room,” Ellie nervously offered.

“Really? I would love that. Thanks Ellie!” she reached over and gently squeezed Ellie’s arm.

They were still talking about bold strokes when Aster’s stomach let out a low growl. Their eyes met and both girls laughed. Ellie excused herself and came back with some leftover dumplings and a glass of water.

“Here. My dad made these,” Ellie offered.

“T-thanks.. I forgot about lunch,” Aster felt herself blush a little with this thoughtful gesture.

_That’s sweet.._

She ate while listening to Ellie talk, revealing more about herself. The more she listened to this girl, the more she felt drawn to her.

~~

Late in the afternoon, Aster decides to head out and explore the campus. She goes to Ellie’s room first.

“Hey Ellie, I was wondering.. since you’ve had the chance to wander around.. would you, like, tour me or something?..” Aster bit her lower lip, eyebrows raised waiting for an answer.

_God, how could I say no to this girl?_

“Yeah sure!” Ellie exclaimed, but kicked herself afterwards for sounding like a total idiot.

_I hope that didn’t sound too eager. Get a grip Ellie. It’s not like she asked you out._

Ellie showed Aster the places where she’d been earlier. The library, the least crowded areas to unwind and the shortest route to and fro their dorm. Upon reaching Carnegie Hall, they sat themselves in a grassy part and discussed more about their favorite books and authors.

Aster glanced at her watch a few hours later. It read 6:45pm. “I think we better head back,” while she slowly stood up.

“Let’s buy dinner first?” Ellie suggested. “I wouldn’t want you growling on me again,” she added with a chuckle.

Slightly embarrassed and blushing profusely, Aster covered her face with her hands and groaned. “You’re not letting that one go huh?”

“Hmm.. I’ll think about it.” Ellie teasingly smiled.

They headed to a nearby restaurant walking side by side, shoulders gently touching, Ellie loved the feeling of being _this_ close to her. They weren’t talking, but the silence this time was somewhat relaxing. Unlike the awkward silence they had back at the dorm. She glanced occasionally at the girl beside her.

_Just checking. Nope. Not dreaming._

_And God? If you’re listening, this heathen right here might start to believe in you.._

Ellie couldn’t help but blush and panic a little, every time Aster smiled when she caught her glance or when Aster's hand would lightly graze hers.

_Wait.. That’s number four.. Is Aster 'deliberately' trying to 'discreetly' brush her hand against mine?.._

_Or is it just me imagining things.._

It took them almost half an hour before they got the pizza they ordered and made their way back to the room and ate dinner.

“You go freshen up. I’ll clean this up.” Aster offered while trying to finish the last slice. Ellie mumbled a quick thanks and went to the bathroom.

Before retiring for the night, Aster went to the other room. “Hey Ellie, thanks for today.” Her eyes glanced nervously around and fidgeting with her hands. “I had a really nice time.. and.. yeah.”

Before Ellie could open her mouth, Aster had already turned around and was walking back to her room.

“Good night Aster Flores!” Ellie called out.

“Good night Ellie Chu!” she yelled back, resisting the urge to look back. She felt quite silly though, not knowing why a smile was plastered across her face.

Aster couldn’t sleep that night. Counting sheep didn’t help. Tossing and turning, trying to find the most comfortable position proved to be futile. Aster sighed heavily as she got a pillow and hugged it tightly.

It was, in fact, her first night _alone_ away from home. The bed smelled different. She wasn’t used to the noises she heard. Unfamiliar shadows filled the room. The entire ambience was completely foreign.

She closed her eyes shut hoping it would help, but her thoughts wandered off to somewhere – or someone.

_Ellie’s foreign too.. But she feels like home. She makes me feel.. safe. I feel.. different with her. It’s weird.. but.._

_I hope she didn’t notice how I tried to brush my hand against hers, though._

_I really like her. Not like 'like' her._

_She’s cute when flustered. She’s smart too._

_What’s not to like?_

_But she’s a girl. God, why a girl?_

_It’s a sin._

_I can’t.._

She opened her eyes and shook her head, as if trying to get rid of the thoughts. She was wide awake now.

_Read, Aster, read!_

She turned her bedside lamp on, grabbed the nearest book and kept reading until 2 in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!  
> hope it made sense though..
> 
> and gratitude for the chapter 1 kudos and comments!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster denies.  
> Ellie kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More flirting and fluff. Gay panic. Drunken moments.
> 
> It's all downhill from here. I apologize.

~~

As soon as classes started, both girls found themselves swamped with schoolwork along with conflicting schedules. But that didn’t stop them from finding time to spend with each other. Aster would even turn down offers from other people to hang out.

They made it a point to have lunch together from time to time. Late night dinners were also an optional thing. During free time, they’d meet up someplace and do homework together, or just literally hang out. They couldn’t get enough of each other and were practically inseparable.

“..And.I’m.Done!” Ellie beamed while eyeing her last essay.

_And this, right here, is an A+._

Ellie glanced at her watch. Aster was supposed to be back by now.

_I should go to Aster.. make sure she’s okay or something._

_Or.. I could just wait right here and not act like a clingy girlfriend. Right?_

Ellie wrinkled her nose at her thoughts. She gathered her things, went to her room and sat at the edge of the bed. Just staring ahead. Her mind a complete blank.

Ellie stood up, instinctively grabbed her jacket and went out.

_I think I need some fresh air._

Her feet dragged her to the building where Aster’s last class was being held and leaned on one of the pillars. After waiting for several minutes, she shook her head and realized it was such a dumb idea to wait for Aster.

_What was I thinking?_

Fiddling with the zipper of her jacket as she started to walk away, she didn’t hear someone walk up behind her. “Ellie?” A familiar voice broke her train of thoughts.

She quickly turned around and found Aster's eyebrows raised and had a questioning look.

“Oh hey Aster! Hi! Uhm.. I-I was just.. passing by..” she lied. Aster never failed to make a mush out of Ellie's brain.

“Passing by huh?” Aster pursed her mouth in a self-satisfied smirk.

“I wanted to bite you quick.. grab..” Ellie trailed, eyes wide, obviously panicking.

_Oh, shit. That came out wrong._

Furiously blushing now. She raised both of her hands as if to surrender. “No, no, no! I don’t!.. That’s not -- What I meant was, I was on my way to grab a quick bite!” she said defensively.

Aster was laughing uncontrollably. Seemingly amused by this display of incoherence from a highly-intelligent person.

Ellie groaned. She knew Aster well enough to know she won’t let her live this down.

“I’ll go with you Ellie,” Aster declared. “If..” she trailed.

“If?..” Ellie asked curiously.

“If you don’t bite,” she said teasingly. A smug look on her perfect face.

“Really Aster?” Ellie whined and shook her head, hoping to hide the blush forming on her cheeks.

It was still quite early after they’ve had dinner and both weren't in a hurry to head back, so Ellie and Aster decided to take the longer route to the dorm.

Aster was talking nonstop about art class when she unwittingly clutched Ellie’s arm.

_Oh._

Sensing how Ellie tensed at the sudden gesture, she carefully withdrew her arm and mumbled a quiet apology.

“S-sorry. I’m just not used to being _this_ close to someone,” she quietly confessed looking down. “Literally, I mean.” she added, shrugging her shoulders.

Aster smiled warmly and gently clutched Ellie’s arm again. “It’s just me,” she cooed, while leaning her head lightly on Ellie's shoulder.

_But, you’re not 'just you'.._

“I’m here to invade your personal space Ellie Chu.” Aster said matter-of-factly. She kicked herself for sounding too straightforward. But that’s what she really wanted to do. Be in Ellie’s life.

Slightly amused, Ellie raised an eyebrow and smiled. “Really now?” she laughed, somewhat amused at what she heard.

Every night, they would find themselves engaged in literary debates, watching old movies or just reading a book on the couch. It quickly became a routine of theirs.

Tonight was different. Aster insisted they stay in Ellie’s room, instead of the usual couch. They sat on the bed, leaning gently against each other, reading quietly. She discreetly glanced at Ellie, who looked completely absorbed in the book she was reading.

Aster knew she felt something for Ellie. Yes she valued their friendship and their closeness, but she knew she wanted more. What it was exactly, she didn’t want to know. Or rather, she didn’t want to admit it. She could not.

No longer able to keep her eyes open, Ellie slowly eased herself under the sheets and mumbled a good night to Aster. She scooted over to one side of the bed and turned on her side facing Aster, eyes still closed.

“Ellie?” she asked softly, hesitantly. Her brows furrowed, as if caught in a dilemma.

_This isn’t right. I can’t.._

“Can I sleep here tonight..?”

“Mmm..” Ellie murmured, already half-asleep.

Feeling a bit sleepy herself, Aster gently laid down on her side to face Ellie and she couldn’t help but smile.

_You have no idea how hard it is to be this close and not kiss you Ellie Chu._

Ellie was roused from sleep when she felt something moved beside her. She opened her eyes and panicked when she saw Aster curled up, sleeping next to her.

_Okay.. Calm down. Let’s see. This is my room. My bed. Maybe she fell asleep while reading. Yeah. Maybe? No. That’s gotta be it. No other reason._

Ellie sat up and looked at Aster sleeping peacefully. The disheveled hair looks really good on her. Ellie had to stop herself from touching a strand of her hair.

Ellie was still gazing at her when Aster's eyes fluttered open. “Good morning heathen..” she said in a raspy voice, stretching lazily.

Her eyes narrowed when she noticed Ellie’s confused look. “You don’t remember last night do you?..”

_Wait, what?_

Ellie, half-dazed, turned her head from side to side slowly.

Aster snickered. “Last night, I asked if I could sleep here. Guess you were too sleepy then.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Ellie sheepishly smiled.

“Don’t be. That was the most decent sleep I’ve had in weeks!” Aster winked before getting up and going to the bathroom.

_God, if this is heaven, let me stay here._

“You up for anything today?” Aster called out from her room.

“You mean aside from doing schoolwork on a Saturday?” Ellie responded while bathing.

“We could go to a museum or the nearby park?” Aster proposed.

Ellie hummed in response.

“If it rains, we could just stay here and.. cuddle.” Aster suggested faintly. Cheeks mildly blushed.

Ellie hurriedly finished showering, got dressed and went to Aster’s room.

Out of breath, she said, “Museum sounds fun.”

After spending the entire day in a museum and stopping by at nearby park, they opted to head back as soon as it started to drizzle.

They were in Aster’s bed doing some extra reading. Ellie no longer felt awkward when Aster clutched her arm while they read. Or when Aster snuggled close to her.

In fact, she yearned for Aster’s touch. She enjoyed every second spent with her. And when their hands intertwined under the sheets, she never let go.

She was never good with expressing her emotions. In fact, she was so adept in controlling and hiding her feelings. But how Aster managed to break down those walls easily scared her. She never felt this way before. And if love indeed made you screwy, like what she’s feeling right now, then Paul was right.

_Fuck._

She _loves_ Aster Flores.

Same thing can’t be said about Aster though. The feeling of intoxication she’s feeling with Ellie was always ridden with guilt. She’s happy with Ellie, being with Ellie. But she wasn’t entirely happy with herself. Always in a moral dilemma. She’s fully aware of her feelings, but she easily dismisses it as nothing. She didn’t want to disappoint God and her family. For her, what she’s feeling is a _sin._

 _We’re just friends. We enjoy each other’s company. That’s all there is to it_. Aster would constantly remind herself.

~~

On a lazy Thursday night, Ellie was busy doing schoolwork when she glanced up at Aster who was also busy getting ready for a party. She was wearing a red flowy sundress, boots and denim jacket. Dark brown wavy tousled beautifully. She couldn't resist staring.

_Wow._

“Hey Ellie, I’ll see you later at the party right?” Aster asked with a small pout. She knew Ellie didn’t enjoy parties as much.

“Uh.. Hmm.. Yeah sure. I’ll just finish this..” Ellie said hesitatingly, pointing to the stack of papers in front of her.

“How do I look?” Aster asked playfully, her eyes twinkling.

Ellie's eyes narrowed and pretended to study her. “Uhm, you look like Aster Flores..?”

 _Oh._ Slightly amused, Aster slowly advanced towards Ellie, not breaking eye contact. She knew how to unnerve Ellie and this was one way of doing it. The girl was already squirming in her seat.

She moved closer to Ellie and stopped just a few inches away from her face.

“How do I look?” Aster crooned. She bit her lower lip, trying to look seductive, while resisting the urge to laugh.

“Y-you look hot! I mean, nice! Lovely!” Ellie babbled. A flush of embarrassment rose to her cheeks.

Aster took a step back and giggled. “Why, thank you Ellie!” feigning innocence.

Ellie opened her mouth in protest but no words came out, so she just at her with incredulity.

Already on her way out, Aster instinctively went back and hugged Ellie nuzzling her neck. Discreetly planted a light kiss on Ellie’s neck and hoped she didn’t notice.

“Thank you for being such a great friend Ellie.” Aster gushed, before closing the door behind her. It made her feel weird. Saying the word _friend._ She just had to say it to convince herself more.

 _Friend._ Ellie kept repeating the word over and over. She knew girls had this weird way of being overly friendly and getting really close with other girls without it meaning anything at all.

_Are we really just that? I thought there was something there.._

Ellie shook her head and tried to finish the papers she was writing. She needed all the distraction she could get, otherwise she’d feel bad. She felt miserable at how reality suddenly pushed, definitely shoved, her ass back to the ground. She was dreaming and, somehow, truth woke her up.

She considered not going to the party. Not after what happened. But she had to. Aster said she’d wait for her. She didn’t want to disappoint her. The girl who unwittingly made her whole. And now breaks her heart. Ellie reluctantly made her way to the party.

She never quite understood it though, parties. Why it was always loud and crowded and messy. Not understanding the concept of why people wanted to drink, become uncivilized and later regret everything they did. But then do the same thing over and over.

Ellie grabbed a cup and filled it with beer, and pretended to drink it. This’ll help her blend in. She had to find Aster fast, hoping she could persuade her into leaving.

After walking around, she finally found Aster. She was talking to a couple of girls and a boy and had their backs turned to her.

She took a deep breath as she approached the group but stopped short when she overheard their conversation.

“So Aster.. you’re gay, right?” curiously asked the blond-haired girl. She was as tall as Aster and wore skinny jeans that would’ve put her blood circulation into overdrive.

“I-I’m sorry Kate. What?” Aster almost dropped the beer she was holding. She wasn’t expecting this. Not now. Or ever.

“You and you’re roommate.. You guys are dating yeah? I always see you guys together.” the girl continued, unaware of how she was making Aster uncomfortable.

“God! No no no! I’m not-- I would never!.. We’re just really close friends!” she vehemently denied and laughed awkwardly.

“That sucks. You two look really good together though.” the girl mused. “Plus you’re roommate’s kinda cute.. nerdy cute.”

Sexuality per se wasn’t a big issue in college apparently. And people didn't care whether you hooked up with a guy tonight and a girl the next day. But it was something Aster didn’t want to deal with.. Not yet.

“Go ask her out. I don’t care.” Aster shrugged nonchalantly. Somewhat trying to convince herself more, than the people she was with.

Taking a big swig from her cup, she glanced around, hoping they would start talking about something else.

_Ellie!_

Aster saw Ellie’s back and was moving away. Walking fast towards the opposite direction. A strong feeling of guilt washed over her.

_Did she hear our conversation?_

Ellie looked at the empty cup in her hand, she didn’t realize she drank the whole thing while trying to get away from Aster. She knew exactly where to go.

Ellie stood next to the bar, giving her complete access to the keg of beer. She filled her cup again. And again. She was about to get her cup filled again when someone tapped her shoulder.

“You might wanna save some for us..!” A girl was waving her empty cup, grinning widely. Obviously drunk.

“Oh, sorry.” Ellie turned to the grinning girl. She got the girl’s cup, filled it up, before handing it back. “Here.”

“Thanks! I’m Addy.”

Ellie shook her head and pointed to her ear, shouted “What..? I’m sorry! The music’s too loud!”

Addy leaned over and introduced herself. Ellie then leaned over in response.

The girl had short brown hair with blond streaks, thin lips with brown eyes, spoke with a gentle southern lilt and reeking of alcohol. She was quite perky even when drunk.

_She’s cute. But not pretty like Aster._

Ellie had zero social skills but getting drunk did that part for her. They kept each other company, and drunk as well, talking in each other’s ears and laughing mostly.

Aster had been looking around for Ellie and found her in a couch, talking and sitting comfortably close to a girl. Well, too close to _her_ liking. She strode towards them and abruptly stopped, when the other girl casually put her arm around Ellie’s shoulders and said something in her ear.

She never saw Ellie get that close to anyone else but her. And they seem to be having fun. Way too much fun. She felt a stab of jealousy seeing them.

_I better get her home. She’s obviously drunk._

“Aster!” Ellie saw her and started waving like a crazed teen, motioned her to come over.

“At least one of us is having a good time.” Aster remarked, unable to hide the sarcasm in her voice.

Oblivious to Aster’s tone, Ellie grins and enthusiastically pulled the other girl close to her. “Aster, this is Addy.”

“Hi.” Aster smiled politely at Addy, before turning to Ellie. “I better get you home..”

“But Addy and I were just starting to have fun..” Ellie started to protest but stopped when she saw Aster’s annoyed look. She’d never seen her like this.

She finished her drink, slowly got up and muttered a quick goodbye to Addy.

“Nice meeting you Aster. Fun hanging out with you Chu. See you around!” Addy coolly said, as she stood up and leaned over giving Ellie a light peck on the lips and casually walked away.

_Oh._

Ellie glanced at Aster, who just stood there beside her and had an unreadable look on her face.

It was a short walk back, but the silence was deafening as Aster walked silently beside a staggering Ellie.

“You’re a good friend Aster.. but sometimes I wish you weren’t..” Ellie started drunkenly while fumbling with the door handle.

“Paul said love makes you screwy. I think this is me screwy now. I’m sorry but I really _really_ like you.. but we’re just friends. So yeah..” she mumbled unwittingly as she tried to make her way towards her bedroom.

Aster gently closed the door behind her and leaned quietly against it. Her gaze fixed at her drunk roommate.

Halfway through, Ellie abruptly stopped and stumbled back towards Aster. She gently held Aster’s face, much to the surprise of the other girl, and kissed her.

Aster was startled at first, but she kissed back. She’d been longing for this. To feel the softness of Ellie’s lips on hers. _This isn’t.._ _right._

She wanted to push her back but her hands found Ellie’s waist and pulled her even closer. She’d have to deal with God and morality later.

Ellie then broke off the kiss and staggered towards her room. “Sleep..” she muttered half-drunk and half-asleep.

Aster stood there smiling. She was so sure God was looking down on her with a disapproving look. She feared hell, but she didn’t seem to care. Right now, she was in her own heaven.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie pushes Aster away. Ellie kisses Addy. Aster kisses Ellie. Ellie kisses Aster. *whew*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter. Yay! 😃  
> Sorry for the errors..😑  
> And for the crappy content. 😑  
> Had to rush it.. 😅😑 (as you can see by the amount of talking done here)

~~

Ellie woke the next morning with a splitting headache.

_This is why I hate alcohol._

Last night was a blur. A fun blur though. She experienced some of her firsts -- getting drunk and being kissed, by a girl. Everything went by so fast she hasn’t had time to take everything in.

_Shit. Addy kissed me. Well, if a peck IS even considered a kiss._

Ellie got ready for class and moved as quietly as possible, so as not to wake Aster. Aster. Her eyes widened at the recent memory that just dawned on her.

_Holy sweet mother of fucks. Fucking shit. Fuuuck. I kissed Aster. And I told her I like her. Shit. Shit. Shit. Holy shiiit._

She was so stressed out she didn’t realize Aster had already woken up and was standing by the couch, a concerned look on her face. “Hey, is everything okay..?”

Ellie froze. _It’s her. Quick! Act normal._

She snapped out of her trance when Aster took a few steps towards her. She quickly gathered her things and bee-lined for the door. “I’m late! Bye!”

Aster opened her mouth to say something, but the door had already slammed shut.

_Okaayy.. That was kinda weird.._

Ellie kept busy the entire day. She didn’t want to think about Aster. She wanted to stay away because she felt betrayed – by herself. Embarrassed at how honest she was that night. How she was able to bare her heart out. And kissed the girl who only saw her as a friend.

When Ellie got home, she didn’t wait for Aster to get back, like the way she always does. She knew she wouldn’t be able to look Aster straight in the eye and pretend everything’s normal. So she went straight to her room and slept. She couldn't deal with her yet. Not right now.

_I need time to figure this shit out._

Aster got back from class and looked forward to seeing Ellie. She wanted to see her. She wanted to talk. About everything that had happened. About last night. She knocked gently before entering Ellie’s room and found her sound asleep. Aster gazed at Ellie for a few seconds before getting a sticky note, wrote on it and stuck it to bedside lamp.

_Lunch? Same time, same place._

Aster woke up earlier than usual. She was hoping she could see Ellie before she left for class, but she was already gone. She noticed the sticky note she left for Ellie was now stuck to the fridge.

_Will be busy the whole day. Sorry._

Days passed and Ellie did a heck of a job keeping away from Aster. She had full knowledge of the time and places where Aster would be, so it made the job a lot easier for her. The only communication they did was thru post-its and some few really short notes. And she would always sleep earlier than usual to be able to avoid their nightly routine.

Aster couldn’t help but get the feeling that something was wrong. She didn't know why exactly. But she had to know. After the party, she hasn’t been able to get a hold of her. Why was Ellie was avoiding her?

Aster went straight home after class and felt disappointed when Ellie wasn’t there. But somewhat relieved knowing she could wait for her so they could talk. She peeled off another sticky note and stuck it to Ellie’s door, before retreating to her room, closed the door, listened and waited.

_Can we talk? 🙁_

A few hours later, Ellie silently entered the dorm and tiptoed to her room, grimacing every time the floor board creaked under the weight of her foot. She saw the note stuck to her door, peeled it off and softly closed the door behind her. She hoped Aster had already fallen asleep.

She held the note in her hand and stared at it. Aster wanted to talk. She knew at some point it would come to this. The time she spent away from Aster didn’t help at all. She hadn’t figured things out yet.

How can she weasel her way out of this? What could she say to Aster? What _does_ she say to her? The truth? And lose the girl and whatever friendship they have? Not that it was already on its way there now. Or use the ‘I was drunk I don’t know what happened’ tactic?

She was still arguing with herself when she heard a light knock on the door. “Ellie?”

She froze.

_Fuck._

She waited a bit before she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Before she turned the doorknob, she knew exactly what she had to do – deny, deny, deny.

Aster waited for a few minutes standing outside Ellie's room before the door slowly opened. She saw Ellie take a few steps back to let her in before pulling a chair to sit on.

“Hey.. Haven’t been seeing you around _much_..” Aster started, looking a bit hesitant. “I’ve missed you..” her voice barely a whisper.

“I’ve been busy lately. Yeah. With school and stuff..” Ellie lied looking elsewhere, not meeting Aster’s gaze. Well, that was half the truth.

“Oh..” a hint of sadness laced Aster’s voice.

Silence.

Shifting uncomfortably in her seat, Ellie couldn’t take it any longer. She wanted this over and done with.

“What was it you wanted to talk about?” she asked coolly, meeting Aster’s gaze for a few seconds.

“Back at the party.. Did you hear what I said?..” Aster asked softly, a guilty look on her pretty face.

_Oh. That._

Ellie was caught off guard. She was so focused on the kiss and profession of her true feelings, she almost forgot about what Aster said that night at the party. She suddenly remembered the hurt she felt then. How Aster basically ripped her chest open and tore her heart out. Nevertheless, she still had to play it cool.

“Yeah, I did actually.. I practically heard everything. Didn’t mean to eavesdrop or something though. But we are _friends_ right? You were just stating a fact. Nothing wrong with that.” She shrugged nonchalantly. She nailed it. She was starting to sound a bit like her old stoic self.

Aster looked somewhat relieved. Then she opened her mouth to say something but quickly decided against it. She seemed caught up within her own thoughts, her brows furrowed as the following words came out of her mouth. “What you said that night..?”

“That..” Ellie’s voice trailed off. She took a deep breath before starting the pretense. “Listen Aster, I’m really sorry about that. It must have been the alcohol talking. I don't know what I said. I can’t remember much. I--”

“The kiss..?” Aster interrupted.

“I already told you. It was probably the alcohol. I was drunk. I don’t know what got into me.. You did say we’re just friends. And I don’t think friends kiss–”

“But you kissed Addy.” Aster argued, sounding a bit annoyed.

_Oh. Shit. I forgot about that._

“Do you have a habit of kissing your friends?” Aster asked brashly.

“Well, technically, Addy kissed me. I didn’t kiss her.. So..” Ellie stated, feeling rather a bit smug.

She glanced at Aster who seemed dubious, who looked at her as if she was talking to a stranger.

“Addy kissed me. I kissed you. They’re all the same. No big deal. It’s was just a kiss. Doesn’t mean anything.” She had meant to sound a bit exasperated. Maybe she overdid it. But she had to be convincing enough.

“Right.. That’s nice to know. Okay then. I better go.” Aster had this weird look on her. Something close to regret. She smiled weakly before closing the door behind her and walked away.

~~

Ellie kept herself busy the following days. She rarely saw Aster now. They barely talked. From strangers to roommates to friends, now they’re just roommates. It felt fake, different and awkward. Her denial tactic worked like a charm. But it felt so wrong. She started to feel miserable. She missed Aster terribly. Out of all the people in her life, she wondered why she had to push this one away.

_Crap._

“Hey!” a vaguely familiar voice startled her. Ellie looked up as Addy took the seat across her.

She looks better when sober, Ellie thought.

“Uhm, hi?”

“Don’t mind me. I literally go to the library just to sit.. and pretend to read and stuff..” Addy winked.

“You okay?” she asked casually, while picking up the book in front of Ellie and winced when she saw it was about literature.

“Not the literature type huh?” Ellie chuckled softly. “I’m okay, I guess. Thanks for asking.”

Addy made a face. “No. You’re _not_ okay. You look stressed, different and constipated.” she blurted out. “Are you constipated? It’s the way your face is all scrunched up like that. And your aura.. it’s kinda sad.. depressing even.”

“Gee thanks! I’m not constipated. I’m just busy with school.. stuff.” Ellie shook her head in disbelief as she consciously tried to un-scrunch her face. This girl was brutally frank.

“So.. How’s the girlfriend?.. Aster?..” she continued.

“She’s not – Why’d you kiss me Addy?” Ellie asked confusedly.

“Seriously Ellie?” Addy gave her a quizzical look. She chuckled softly when she realized Ellie was waiting for her answer. “Simple. I like to kiss.”

“Oh..”

She laughed. “You must have been really drunk yeah? That was a fun night.. I think we should do it again!”

“Sshh! Keep you voice down!” Ellie motioned the grinning Addy to settle down as they were already getting looks from other people.

“Anyway, she’s not my girlfriend. We’re just roommates.” Ellie clarified.

Addy wrinkled her nose at Ellie. “Yeah, no. I don’t think so..”

“What –? ”Ellie began to protest when Addy raised her hand to stop her. “Come on. Walk with me.” She demanded as she gathered Ellie’s things and headed towards the exit.

Having only met at the party, Ellie felt oddly comfortable enough talking to Addy. She had told her everything, from day one at the dorm, up to that night they had the _talk_. How things have been different now between them. She didn’t feel judged. She felt understood. And Addy had this way of thinking that made complicated things seem much simpler. She insisted Ellie embrace her way of thinking – _Carpe Diem._

“Well, you just basically seize the day. Or in your case, seize her. _Carpe_ diem her.” Addy laughed at herself.

“God, I’m so amazed at how you’re able to make an inspiring phrase sound so dirty.” Ellie shakes her head while they laughed.

Aster was walking home when she saw two girls walking a few yards ahead of her. Talking and laughing. One figure looked awfully familiar.

_Is that Ellie.. with Addy?_

She wasn’t sure. She didn't want to know. But she had kept her gaze fixed firmly on the two.

Addy looked around before placing her arm around Ellie’s shoulder. Seeing this, Aster’s pace quickened.

“Kiss me Ellie. Right now.” Addy ordered, as Ellie just looked at her wide-eyed.

“What –? I’m not going to kiss you!” Ellie shook her head vigorously, seemingly repulsed by the idea of an impulsive kiss, in broad daylight and in public no less.

Addy’s eyes had this mischievous glint in them as she kept on prodding. “Just trust me on this one, okay? _Carpe diem_ Ellie. This is it. You’ll thank me after. Pretend I’m Aster. Just a little smack. On the lips. Do it!”

Ellie shook her head. It seemed like a bad idea. A very bad idea. But seeing the firm resolve on Addy’s face and how she sounded so utterly convincing, she decided to go with it. Oddly enough, she seemed to trust her.

_Yeah. Fuck it. Carpe diem it is._

She turned towards Addy, grabbed both her arms and tiptoed a little before leaning in for a smack.

Addy was caught a bit off-guard but recovered quite fast and grinned widely. “Good luck with Aster!” she winked before heading another direction, leaving Ellie with a perplexed look.

Before Aster reached the two, she heard Addy shout something over her shoulder. “Carpe _diem Ellie!”_

Aster hesitatingly approached Ellie. “ _Carpe_ _diem_ huh?”

Her heart almost leapt out of her chest. She knew who the voice belonged to.

_Shit. This was Addy’s plan? She set me up._

Ellie panicked a bit before slowly turning towards Aster, barely meeting her gaze. “Yeah.. We were just talking about something..”

“Are you dating Addy?” Aster blurted out and noticed Ellie’s shocked expression.

“W-we’re not dating..” she mumbled somewhat defensively.

“Do you like her then?” Aster interrupted. “Enough to kiss her twice?”

Confused, Ellie rambled on. “It’s not what it looks like. I mean, I like her. But not like _like_ her. She’s okay. She’s a good friend.”

Aster sighed. “Well, she seems nice. And you two look good together..” she trailed off, her voice slightly quivered but her gaze still fixed intently on Ellie.

Ellie looked at Aster longingly. She didn’t want Addy. She wanted the girl who was in front of her now. She wanted to say something, anything, but words had eluded her.

Aster tentatively leaned forward to kiss Ellie, but realizing what she was about to do, she quickly stepped back.

_Fuck._

“I-I forgot to do something. I have to go.” Aster muttered quickly before running off.

Ellie couldn’t focus on the book she was reading because she kept glancing at her watch. It was getting pretty late and Aster was still hasn't come back. She wanted to talk to her. Set things straight. Take Addy’s advice. Make a move. _Carpe diem._

A bit tipsy, Aster fumbled for the door handle but entered the room quietly. She didn't want to wake Ellie. However, a soft rustling made her look towards the couch. She found Ellie sound asleep, curled up and clutching a book.

She took her shoes off, tiptoed towards the couch and sat on the floor. She leaned her head on the arm rest and delicately tucked a strand of hair behind Ellie’s ear.

_I hope it’s not too late Ellie.. I think I’m okay now.. I figured it out.. God will understand somehow.. He has to.._

Aster closed her eyes and listened to Ellie’s breathing before falling asleep.

Ellie slightly shifted as she lay uncomfortably on her side. She opened her eyes instinctively and saw Aster asleep, sitting on the floor, her head gingerly perched at the edge of the couch.

She sat up slowly, gently stroked Aster’s hair and tried to wake her up. “Aster.. Hey, let’s get you to your bed okay?”

“Mmm..”

She managed to get Aster to stand and walk her to her bed. As she turned to leave, a hand grabbed her wrist. “Stay with me.. Please Ellie?”

Ellie smiled reassuringly as she carefully laid down next to her. “As long as you want me to.”

Silence.

Both were just staring at the ceiling. Waiting.

A: “Ellie?”

E: “Yeah?”

A: “I’m really sorry for what I said..”

E: “I’m sorry too.. for pushing you away..”

A: “Can we go back to how things were..?”

She found Aster’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I would love that Aster..”

Ellie woke up and smiled when she found Aster snuggled up to her.

She carefully turned to her side to face Aster, propped herself up on an elbow and gazed down at her.

She still looks perfect even with disheveled hair, Ellie mused.

She suddenly remembered Addy. _Carpe diem._

Her mind started racing amidst the plethora of thoughts and questions.

She leaned a bit forward. _Wouldn’t it be creepy if I kissed her while she slept?_

Stopped and leaned back up again. _What if she wakes up and hates me for it?_

_Heck I don’t even know to kiss. What if I do it wrong?_

Aster gently stirred and now had her face angled in a way that seemed to entice Ellie further.

_God, really? Why, pray tell, tempt me this much?_

Taking a deep breath, Ellie licked her lips and leaned in slowly. _Carpe diem._

Aster’s eyes slowly opened and stared up at her. A small smile formed on her lips.

_Shit._

Ellie froze. Eyes wide and panicking. Like a deer caught in the headlights.

Aster then raised her eyebrows seemingly amused.

Ellie’s brilliant mind always faltered at the worst time. “I-I was.. I just..” she stammered while trying to back up slowly.

“Audaces fortuna iuvat,” Aster muttered, her gaze fixed on Ellie.

“Wha—”

“Fortune favors the bold.” Aster interrupted, slid one hand up at the back of Ellie’s neck and gently pulled her down. She startled her with a kiss.

Her lips brushed Ellie’s, softly and delicately but long enough to taste the sweetness of her lips. Ellie must’ve probably felt how hard her heart pounded in her chest. But she could only focus on how tender Ellie felt against her mouth.

Aster broke the kiss first and smiled teasingly.

“Whatever happened to _Carpe diem?”_ she laughed softly.

“Well, being bold trumps seizing stuff apparently..” Ellie smiled sheepishly, unable to hide the redness in her cheeks.

“That one’s for letting Addy kiss you.”

“And this..” Aster gently cupping Ellie’s face, kisses her again, slightly longer and deeper than the first. Her whole body tingling. “..is for kissing Addy.”

“Damn Aster Flores. You’re keeping tabs on me now? You are such a stalker. What was it you said before? About being just friends and shit?” she teased.

“And this.. is for talking too much Ellie Chu.” Aster’s fingers curled around Ellie’s waist pulling her in and kisses her again. This time with much fervor, longing and.. love. She felt Ellie smiling and she couldn’t help but smile back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Addy saw Aster from afar so she had to persuade Ellie to kiss her. 🤫😏😄
> 
> Anyway, thank you all for taking time to read this. 😊😘  
> Really appreciate the comments and kudos. 😊😘  
> Take care!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.
> 
> Any comment would be appreciated and noted.


End file.
